You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
