I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
