As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he puts the penis in happiness.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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