i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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