If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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