i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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