He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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