I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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