remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
