Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
