I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
