Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No...this little piggys going to the bar
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
