Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
