I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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