Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
