It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
