i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
