3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
