I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
