how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
