he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
