Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
