I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
