Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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