The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
