Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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