Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you win again, gameday.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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