I am in a vortex of obligation.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
