I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
