I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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