I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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