I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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