Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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