she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
