This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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