I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
