my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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