They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I pour the whiskey from now on
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
