dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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