we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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