Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
