Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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