I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
