I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
