I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
