go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
