Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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