Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
