Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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