I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
